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Thread: New fun jokes part 14

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    Default New fun jokes part 14



    We ring in the new year with New fun jokes part 14. These are from many years ago, for those of you that may have missed them, or for the new members on here.

    Great Expectations Gone Bad:
    Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said; "I would like to buy this material for my new dress. How much does it cost?"
    "The buyer only pays one kiss per yard"; replied the male clerk with a smirk on his face.
    "That's fine"; said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
    With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.
    The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man behind her, smiled and said; "Grandpa's gonna pay the bill."

    A Matter of Interpretation:
    A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town name.
    They argued back and forth, and then they finally stopped for lunch in town. At the restaurant counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress; "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
    The waitress leaned over the counter and replied; "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

    ‘Tis The Season to be Jolly:
    A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed, and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
    In a quiet voice he said; "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
    The wife choked up and started to cry and said; "Yes, I do remember that shop."
    He replied; "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

    It’s a Shoe In:
    While going through his deceased father’s things, a man finds a 25-year-old claim check for a shoe repair. Curious, he goes to the store and hands the owner the ticket. The owner goes to the back and then reappears several minutes later. “Good news”, he says. “They’ll be ready next Friday."

    I hope that all of you enjoy these, and have a great Happy New Year.
    Last edited by Makuser; 01-03-2018 at 09:58 PM.
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    >)))))*>

  2. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Makuser For This Useful Post:

    DaltonSkyGazer (01-13-2018),helicon64 (01-03-2018),ic_1101 (01-04-2018),j.gardavsky (01-04-2018),KenPresley (01-04-2018),upfyrman (01-03-2018)

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    Default Re: New fun jokes part 14



    Quote Originally Posted by Makuser View Post
    ‘Tis The Season to be Jolly:
    A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed, and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
    In a quiet voice he said; "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
    The wife choked up and started to cry and said; "Yes, I do remember that shop."
    He replied; "Well, I'm in the bar next door."
    This is dangerous and should only be performed by paid professionals. Don't try this at home!
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    Default Re: New fun jokes part 14

    Yes, definitely not for the faint of heart. Wait until you've had twi martonis, I mean two martinis. Preferably doubles.
    - Marshall
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    >)))))*>

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    Default Re: New fun jokes part 14

    There isn't enough booze on the planet to get me to try that one... We've been to too many of those stores browsing... (She has her share)

    But since we're starting a new thread so the newcomers don't go comatose reading the last installments...

    ME: Will I be successful?

    OUIJA Board: A*R*E*Y*O*U*H*U*N*G*R*Y

    ME: Dammit, Grandma, not now! ( I know, I know, but all my friends will be there..... )
    Jim
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    Default Re: New fun jokes part 14

    Quote Originally Posted by Makuser View Post
    Yes, definitely not for the faint of heart. Wait until you've had twi martonis, I mean two martinis. Preferably doubles.
    Going to enjoy those on Saturday at an event I am providing a telescope for. Meatballs Martinis and Moonlight one problem is I told them the moon rises two minutes before the event ends.... But the scope will be there for other things to look at. The event is from 7pm till 11pm
    Last edited by dagadget; 01-04-2018 at 01:31 AM.
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    Default Re: New fun jokes part 14

    WHAT DOES A ZOMBIE VEGETARIAN EAT?

    “Graaaaaaaains!”




    I GOT FIRED FROM MY JOB AT THE BANK TODAY.

    An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.





    I WASN’T GOING TO VISIT MY FAMILY THIS DECEMBER, BUT MY MOM PROMISED TO MAKE ME EGGS BENEDICT.

    So I’m going home for the hollandaise.




    WHAT DID BATMAN SAY TO ROBIN BEFORE THEY GOT IN THE CAR?

    “Robin, get in the car.”





    I WAS SITTING IN TRAFFIC THE OTHER DAY.

    Probably why I got run over.




    WHY DO YOU SMEAR PEANUT BUTTER ON THE ROAD?

    To go with the traffic jam.



    WHAT’S THE MOST TERRIFYING WORD IN NUCLEAR PHYSICS?

    “Oops!”



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    Default Re: New fun jokes part 14

    Don’t ever run with bagpipes!

    You could poke an eye out.

    Or worse yet, you could get kilt.

    Ok, that was dumb. Been a dry joke season for me.
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    Default Re: New fun jokes part 14

    Quote Originally Posted by bladekeeper View Post
    Don’t ever run with bagpipes!

    You could poke an eye out.

    Or worse yet, you could get kilt.

    Ok, that was dumb. Been a dry joke season for me.
    Well plaid, sir.
    upfyrman, wdm2012, Makuser and 9 others like this.
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    Default Re: New fun jokes part 14

    Quote Originally Posted by bladekeeper View Post
    Don’t ever run with bagpipes!

    You could poke an eye out.

    Or worse yet, you could get kilt.

    Ok, that was dumb. Been a dry joke season for me.
    Now that was good.... Did Stubb's hiss at you?
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    Default Re: New fun jokes part 14

    Points to ponder... (stolen from youtube)

    A clear conscience is the sign of a foggy memory.

    Abstinence is a good thing... If practiced in moderation.

    The past, present & future walk into a bar... It was tense.

    Between two evils, I'll always pick the one I haven't tried.

    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    What if there were not hypothetical questions?
    Mike

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